Motherhood is full of challenges every single day. There are a thousand decisions that she will make on the fly. And then she will lay in bed at night and think about the choices she made, wondering if she made the right choice.
Frequently, mom guilt comes into play because she makes a decision that works at the moment, but doesn't ultimately work in the grand scheme of things.
One of the most annoying of all decisions a mom will make in a day is whether or not to rescue a child from a conflict in which that child should be able to resolve themselves.
When our kids come to us and say, "Mom, Tommy is acting mean to me!!!" or "Mommy, Sarah took my toy!! what do we want them to do in the situation? Should they solve the problem, or should we?
And all of these little problems they bring to us every day - maybe while crying their eyes out - are brought to our attention because they want us to rescue them from their predicament.
Sometimes we want them to come to us, but sometimes we don't. Right? So the issue we're talking about is tattling: When is it acceptable, and when is it not?
Today, I had a client come to me and say, "What do I do when my child comes to me a hundred times a day to fix all his problems? What do I do?"
In the example of my client, one of the children threw a pillow in the fireplace. The other child saw it and came running to Mom, saying, "The fireplace is going up in flames. There's a living room pillow in the fire!"
We have a situation where Mom wants to know what's going on and welcomes the "tattletale."
And yet there are times when we don't want to know about the problem at hand. We want our kids to take care of the situation for themselves. And if we're not clear on what we want to know about and what we don't, how are our children supposed to know?
Let us consider responses that encourage problem-solving before bringing a challenge to our attention:
Ask whether the danger is going to cause permanent risk.
Assess whether the child is overwhelmed in emotion.
Challenge children to consider options to solve the problem for themselves.
Enter into the matter to encourage kids to problem-solve.
So why is it essential that kids solve some of their problems?
Let's face it; sometimes, our kids are coming to us because they want to see their brother or sister get in trouble; and that's not the character we want to encourage. That's not the family dynamic we're looking to nurture. Right? We're looking for a home where we support each other. We're not looking to encourage kids ratting on each other. So that's out.
Sometimes our kids are coming to us because they don't want to think about a solution. They want to dump off the problem and have us fix everything. That's not good either because life requires us to do lots of problem-solving. And so, that's not going to work long term either.
There are all these reasons why we need our kids to figure out when to bring their problems to us, and when to figure things out themselves. Our job is to give kids clarity on the matter.
So, let's face it, if it's significant damage to the house, we want to know about that. But if it's just the day to day bickering that kids do, we want them to figure things out. We want them to have problem-solving tools.
Finally, do our children have the tools they need so that they can problem-solve on their own? Do they know when to stop problem-solving on their own, and bring the problem to us?
Questions like this come up every single day for our kids. If we don't know what problems should come to our attention and which ones should not, how will they know what to do? Herein lies the right parenting strategies. Set clear guidelines to eliminate tattling and support excellent family communication.
CLICK TO WATCH VIDEO: Motherhood is full of challenges every single day. When should a child bring a conflict to a parent and when should they problem solve on their own? Discover...
